Philadelphia Beats Cincinnati By Three Touchdowns (SATIRE)

In a laugher, the Philadelphia Phillies beat the Cincinnati Reds by three touchdowns last night, 22-1, led by a stunning 95-yard interception return for one of the touchdowns by cornerback Shane Victorino.

Phillies quarterback Cole Hamels threw for 275 yards and a touchdown before giving way to backup QB Scott Eyre. Kevin Kolb was unavailable.

“I was really in the zone tonight,” said Hamels, who completed 17 of 20 passes with no interceptions. “The protection was amazing, and how about that catch and run by (Philadelphia Tight End) Ryan (Howard)?”

Hamels was referring to the one-handed second quarter grab by Howard at the Cincinnati 30-yard line, after which he spun past one defender, ran through another, and dragged four more the final 15 yards into the end zone.

“Nothing happens if Cole doesn’t make that throw, man,” said Howard. “Cincinnati has a great defense. (Cincinnati linebacker Joey) Votto had great coverage on me, Cole just made a perfect throw. He took just enough off it, almost like a pitcher throwing a change up.”

Reds wide receiver Jonny Gomes snapped at a reporter who asked what happened on Victorino’s pick six.

“Look, I don’t know how many times I have to tell you guys, my last name is Tres Uno. Write it down if your are too dumb to remember it. Tres Uno.”

When it was pointed out that “Tres Uno” means Three One and not 31, Gomes came completely unglued.

“You guys write whatever the [bleep] you want alright? I don’t throw the ball. I’m wide open in the end zone, next thing I know, the Hawaiian is Flyin’ the other way. Talk to (Cincinnati quarterback) Johnny (Cueto) if you wanna know what happened. And I will no longer respond to anything but Tres Uno. Or Tres.”

Perhaps the real reason the Reds were so upset may have been Phillies coach Charlie Manuel’s decision to go for two after Jayson Werth’s 85 yard TD reception on a halfback option from Jimmy Rollins.

“Completely bush,” said head coach Dusty Baker. “You would think that World Champions would know better than that. What reason would you need to go for two when I have (Punter Paul) Janish in at quarterback so I don’t get guys hurt? None.

“I lost a lot of respect for Charlie Manuel tonight.”

When told of Baker’s comments, Manuel replied, “I’m not gonna get into all of that. Injuries, uh, we came out of that game pretty good, uh, nothing major, we were able to get (free safety) Chase (Utley) and Ryan out early, uh, Jimmy is a little tired after, uh, running for 225 yards and throwing that TD to, uh, Jayson. Time’s yours.”

It was unclear how the Reds scored one point.