City of Brotherly Loathe: Why Philadelphia Sports Fans Are Scumbags

A man was beaten to death in a savage and needless fracas that occurred outside of Citizen’s Bank Park in the final innings of the Philadelphia Phillies 14-6 home win versus the St. Louis Cardinals on Saturday night.

 

Police said the brawl initially erupted between a group from a bachelor party and other drunk patrons inside McFadden’s Restaurant and Saloon next to the Phillies’ ballpark.

 

Bouncers employed at the watering hole were reportedly able to successfully eject the fighting degenerates from the establishment.

 

However, the melee, which involved as many as 30 patrons, moved outside into parking lot “M.”

 

When the vicious bloodbath that originated over a spilled cup of beer ended, 22-year-old Lansdale resident David Sale was taken to the hospital of the University of Pennsylvania where he was pronounced dead at approximately 8:00 pm.

 

“One of the individuals was holding him (Sale) in a headlock while the other two were beating him,” Captain James Clark explained. “He went down to the ground, on all fours, and then they started kicking him and stomping him until he went unconscious. And even after that, we have information they continued to kick and stomp him.”

 

Authorities said Charles Bowers, 35, James Groves, 45, and Francis Kirchner, 28, have been charged with murder in the attack.

 

Shockingly, all three “City of Brotherly Love” scumbags have prior criminal records.

 

Saturday’s fatal incident is the latest chapter in the notorious history of Philadelphia’s disgusting and subhuman sports fanbase.

 

To name only a few despicable Philly episodes, these worthless, cheese-steak-eating cretins have gunned snowballs at Santa Clause, shot a flare gun across a live playing field, and thrown D-Cell batteries at Cardinals outfielder J.D. Drew after he understandably rebuffed the Phillies offer to play for them.

 

In 1997, actions of Philadelphia Eagles fans during a 34-0 blowout loss to the Dallas Cowboys were so barbaric that the city assigned a Municipal Court Judge, Seamus McCaffrey, to Veterans Stadium to preside over the legions of trash banished from the stands.

 

Supporters of Philadelphia sports teams are largely pathetic excuses for life, and they need to be exiled from the world of athletics for the greater benefit of society.

 

There are three, albeit extremely unlikely, possible solutions for dealing with these immoral miscreants from the Keystone State.

 

One potential resolution would be to administer extensive background checks on every lowlife that attempts to enter a sporting event in the city of Philadelphia.

 

Granted, because most Philly natives have rap sheets, no contest would ever be filled to capacity. But attending games in “The Quaker City” would be a vastly more enjoyable experience.

 

Another idea would be to mandate that all ticket holders must pass a breathalyzer test before they are permitted to enter the stadium.

 

Again, considering that Philadelphians need to be constantly blitzed, no contest would ever be filled to capacity. But, attending games in “The Quaker City” would be a vastly more enjoyable experience.

 

Lastly, the four major sports commissioners could convene and immediately disband all of Philadelphia’s professional sports teams.

 

Frankly, the last option sounds the most appealing.

 

“Filth-adelphia” is also known as “The Birthplace of America.”

 

For the betterment of civilization, all athletic franchises based in Philadelphia should be removed from the American sports landscape without exception.