An Introspective (and Slightly Humorous) Look at Roy Halladay

June 7, 2010 by  
Filed under Fan News

So, you think you know who Roy Halladay is? You could look at his baseball card, but all that will tell you is that he is a six-foot, four-inch, 230 pound right-handed starter for the Philadelphia Phillies. If you look at a website like Baseball Reference, all that will tell you is how he pitched (stat-wise) prior to being traded, and of course his current numbers with Philadelphia.

It’ll also tell you that Roy is a 13-year Major League veteran who has played 12 of those 13 years with the Toronto Blues Jays. Well, Wikipedia defines Roy Halladay “as a Major League starting pitcher for the Philadelphia Phillies. So, I ask the question—who exactly is Harry Leroy Halladay?

Well, after doing some very extensive, painstaking, humorous, and ridiculous research, I have started to put together a picture of who exactly he is. Here is what I found out:

First off, Roy Halladay isn’t right-handed, he is just bored. The only reason he pitches right-handed is because doing so left-handed didn’t offer him a challenge. The fact is, Roy could throw left-handed and still strike out 10 Mets batters (or 10 Yankees—your choice).

Roy Halladay is actually related to the infamous gunslinger, Doc Holliday. The only difference between the two is that Roy uses fastballs instead of guns and ammunition. The truth about Halladay’s height as well: Roy is actually 100 feet tall, he had to shorten himself to the required “under 100 feet tall” Major League Baseball standard/requirement. He does this so hitters might have a chance against him.

The fact is: Roy Halladay is more than just a person. He is a myth and a legendary folk hero. How else could someone out pitch Nolan Ryan and Grover Cleveland Alexander before he was even born? Or could it be than Roy is a figure of mythology much like Odysseus or Achilles?

In short, I don’t know.  Okay, so here is the deal after I did my research: yes, Halladay is a right-handed pitcher for the Philadelphia Phillies. We all know that. But Roy is also a legendary pitcher, just ask the New York Yankees whenever they have to face him.

There is some scientific proof of who Roy Halladay is. It’s not a lot, but it’s something. Scientists have tried to discover the chemical makeup of Roy Halladay. They [the scientists] discovered that the formula is IP9H0BB0K27.

Moreover, on the scientific makeup of Halladay, he has his own Periodic Table of Elements. The Table reads: 1Cu (Cutter) 2Cv (curve-ball), 3Ch (change-up), 4Fu (brush-back). As scientists discovered, any exposure to 4Fu causes instant death.  

Or did you already know that Roy Halladay defies the laws of physics? Though someone will tell you—actually, everyone will tell you—that you can’t break the laws of physics, so scientists had to develop a new theory which has become universally known as the “Roy Halladay Law”. Or how about that whole Pythagorean theory of “A Squared + B Squared = C Squared,” thing? Well is not that… what is it in reality? “A Squared + B Squared =Roy Halladay.”

Roy Halladay could run for President of the United States and Governor of Pennsylvania, but he is/will be too busy, helping the Phillies win the Division. Speaking of politics and Roy Halladay, Halladay is used by the United States as an effective and legal use of “Torture.” The application of mental or physical torture in order to obtain information or confession from a prisoner is commonly referred to as the “third degree.” The only confirmed act that guarantees 100 percent success in securing information is showing the prisoner a life-size cutout of Halladay holding a baseball, from 60 feet, six inches away.

Even religion is affected by Roy Halladay. For a person to be canonized into sainthood by the Catholic Church, there must be proof of at least ONE miracle needs to be established. Of all the miracles recognized, it can be said that no saint has ever gotten so much as a foul tip off of a Roy Halladay fastball and it might never be achieved. Moreover, if people converted to “Halladay-ism,” it would end the all of the world’s religious problems/issues. 

As for the last set of facts I found about Roy Halladay: did you know that Roy Halladay has a PhD? If you have been reading along or have been watching any of his starts, of course you did. Roy Halladay has PhD in K’s. But did he need to go to college to get it? No. Roy Halladay didn’t need to go to college, because he already had a PhD in strikeouts from a baseball powerhouse school known as: Dominant Mastery University .

Of course, Roy Halladay is proof that you don’t need a PhD, MD, EdD or even a G.E.D. to be a doctor or suffer through Medical School for that matter.

Did you also know that Roy Halladay could be used as a sort of “self-help” or cure for maladies, bad pitching mechanics, and bullpen woes? Yes, in fact, I had issues while I was a pitcher in high school. I changed my pitching mechanics to mimic Roy Halladay. I won 20 games and my Earned Run Average dropped five whole points [not 0.05 or 0.50 not even 0.55 but 5.00] to 0.57.

Once, Roy Halladay cut his hair and donated it to “Locks of Love” so an 11-year old cancer patient named Kelly could feel normal. Upon receiving Roy’s hair, she was instantly cured of cancer, grew nine inches, and could throw a change-up that even Roy was impressed with.

So, roughly, that is Roy Halladay in a condensed version of a nutshell. He is a robust and unique pitcher, ballplayer and individual. So much so that this very article could not/cannot contain an adequate amount of facts on exactly who Roy Halladay is. So if you want more, you can go to your nearest computer, log onto the Internet and go to Roy Halladay Facts [dot] WordPress [dot] com for more information. Roy Halladay Facts- The ORIGINAL crazy, absurd and ridiculous facts about an athlete. 

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Article Source: Bleacher Report - Philadelphia Phillies

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